Ponderings

I think a lot these days about the present, the past, and mostly the future. I wonder where will I go from here? What will I do with my life? The life I fought so hard to keep has slipped away. Again I am single not alone never alone. I have an amazing family who is so incredibly supportive and wonderful they have all stepped up to make this next step in my life easier. I appreciate them so much and am so thankful to be loved. My daughters who brighten every moment of my day with their smiles and sloppy kisses their tiny hands pressed on my face make me so glad I am their mother. Even in the midst of all this I still feel lost and alone sometimes. When I stop and think for more than a moment, and then I stop my thoughts mid track and bury them deep so I don't have to feel the ugly sting of anger and resentment toward Him. I try to remind my self that this all happened for a reason and that God has something planned for me, I know God hasn't forgotten about me but this sea of loneliness it is hard to remember sometimes. I look inside my heart tonight and finally try to embrace the hurt and the pain and all I find is forgiveness for Kevin, I am hurt beyond belief and what he did to me was not ok and as mad as I want to be I can't seem to muster up the anger or hate I thought was there. This is some miracle from God because I haven't ever been able to forgive so completely for something as huge as this. As I sit here trying to be consumed with grief for the loss of my marriage and my very way of life all I find is tears, tears of hope for a better tomorrow, tears for a brighter life for me and my girls, and tears of relief for finally being out of the marriage I had so badly wanted but never fully enjoyed.

In the aftermath of all this crying I look at my girls and thank the lord the wonderful blessings he sent to me. They see my red rimmed eyes and MyKenna just looks at me with that sad face and says "It's ok Mommy I love you" and Sadie looks at me with her two year old baby face, smiles runs up for a hug and just says "Mommy you cry? I sit you lap." And just like that my heart melts I dry my tears and push forward and thank the Lord for the strength he has given me.

You keep proving me right...

Today I finally decided Sadie was sick enough to text Kevin and let him know what was up. (He previously had asked me to not text him unless it was necessary hence my not wanting to text him) Sadie has all of these: Sinus infection, ear infection, pinkeye, a fever, and now vomiting. She is really not feeling well, don't worry we have an appointment to see the Dr. tomorrow. Anyway back to my story, I finally break down and text him, and the jerk who is probably busy with his new girlfriend won't even acknowledge the text!! I'm so mad, seriously! Honestly I didn't expect him to but still you really don't care for your daughter that much! You make me sick you selfish jerk!

Life as I know it....

I know life isn't easy and its supposed to be worth it, but what am I supposed to learn from all of this? Pain and Sadness? That is all feel these days. I left my husband because he asked me to. He said he no longer wanted to be married. Here we are sometime later and I have given up hope of trying to "fix" our marriage. Although I do wish there was by some miracle a magic wand that I could wave and everything would be happy and good.

As I lay here and ponder my life I wonder where do I go from here? I find a job, be grateful for what I do have, my beautiful children and a wonderful family who loves and cares about me. I know that's what I should do anyway, but all I can think is I'm going to miss that man. He made me so happy when I was so sad, he tried so hard to be who I wanted and I was so impossible that I drove him away. People tell me I'm better off, I know in some ways its true. He is in his own way quite perfect maybe not for me but for someone. I wish that I had been the right one for him, and he for me but that's life isn't it. You think you know what you want and sometimes when you get it, it isn't quite what you thought. At least now I know, although I wish quite deeply I hadn't had to learn this lesson.

Ponyo

Ponyo ponyo Oh how I dislike thee! I wish my daughter didn't love you so. She pretends she is Ponyo(which is really cute) and its funny. But I honestly can't stand the movie!

Random survey because I have nothing better to say.

1. What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
Almonds

2.Where was your profile picture taken?
Flagstaff

3.Can you play Guitar Hero?
yeah but I'm really horrible

4.Name someone who made you laugh today?
Iris. She always makes me laugh

5.How late did you stay up last night and why?
11:30 me and Kev were watching tv.

6.If you could move somewhere else, would you?
yes please anywhere but here!

7. Ever been kissed under fireworks?
not that i can remember

8. Which of your friends lives closest to you?
Shaun she's right up the street

9. Do you believe ex's can be friends?
Yes why not. I have a few that are great friends

10. How do you feel about mountain dew?
I love it. It comes in second to dr. pepper.

11. When was the last time you cried really hard?
Yesterday, I was super frustrated trying to get all the marker and crayon off the walls.

12. Who took your profile picture?
I did

13. Who was the last person you took a picture of?
Iris's nails... hahaha they are super cool zebra stripe

14. Was yesterday better than today?
no way.

15. Can you live a day without TV?
yeah

16. Are you upset about anything?
not really

17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
Yes for sure

18. Are you a bad influence?
Not anymore lol

19. Night out or night in?
ehhh it depends on what we are doing and who its with.

20. What items could you not go without during the day?
umm a bathroom

21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
Bradley after he had his shunt replaced this past week,

22. What does the last text message in your inbox say?
"Sorry" Kevin forgot his lunch so I have to take it to him at work.

23. How do you feel about your life right now?
Ehhhhhh could be better but it could be alot worse

24. Do you hate anyone?
nope sure don't

25. If we were to look in your face book in box, what would we find?
some super lame conversation with iris hahaha

26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass?
Yeah I would unless it detects Excedrin migraine lol

27. Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
no never haha

28. What song is stuck in your head?
go go power rangers!

29. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m., who do you want it to be?
I don't know my room is three stories up, i would hope its just a branch

30.Wanna have grand kids by the time your 50?
yeah why not i was a young mom, when I'm 50 kenna will be 30 I hope so.

31. What do you have to do tomorrow?
a whole lot of nothing.

32. Do you think too much or too little?
way to much lol

33. Do you smile a lot?
usually :)

Summer

The Arizona sun has reared its ugly head and pointed here. Can I just whine for a second? Thanks I hate summers here! They are too hot and gross and I very much wish we could just skip them! Anyway, since its here Kev and I decided to sign Kenna up for swim lessons yay! She is somewhat excited and I am so happy(even though I realize its a half hour of chasing Sadie around a pool) still I can't wait. Swimming was such a huge part of my childhood growing up here in the state of year round summer I just hope she likes it as much as I did.

On another note Sadie recovered from her surgery so fast! She did amazing and the Cardon Children's Hospital did such a great job! They had toys for her to play with while we waited and a little push car for us to walk the halls with her and it was over all a great experience for a first surgery. She took it way way easy all of that day but by the next day she was back to our crazy Sadie, she ran a bit slower and didn't quite slam into as much but she recovered super fast and by day three other than the durabond on her belly you couldn't tell she had had surgery. The surgeon did an amazing job and she has no visible scar plus a normal belly button!

Anyhow that's just a mini update on us one of these days I will sit down and actually write something worth reading maybe lol.

Sadie baby

Sadie has had an umbilical hernia since birth and usually they shrink and close up on their own well her isn't. So next step was to meet with a surgeon to see what he thought. Well we met with Dr Pham this morning and because her hernia isn't shrinking and has stayed the same size since it was discovered about two years ago he is going to close it up for her. That's right she has to have surgery. I'm slightly nervous but with the sweet reassurances from my dear sister who has been thorough much scarier surgeries with Mr. Bradley I feel more at ease with the the whole thing. Although the thought of handing off my daughter so she can be operated on paralyzes me, I know in the long run this will be whats best for my munchkin.