Mind Games or Reality

Its almost December. Kev and I split up almost five months ago. We are still in the process of getting divorced and yesterday he started texting me throughout the day. He want us to work it out. I would love to have a wonderful successful marriage with the man I fell in love with and married. Is it realistic? Probably not, could we maybe work it out and be happy, yes eventually. Today I received this text "Lets have a baby". These words may seem silly to some and insignificant to others to me it is a huge deal. We tried long and hard to have another baby before the split. I know he is trying to win me back after all that has happened. Or maybe he is being genuine and really wants to fix our marriage and have more children. Either way he is wreaking havoc in my heart, my brain is scream with doubts, should I jump or should I stay in the same unknown, working hard to survive with my girls.

Here we go

Off I go to file for divorce, how exciting. Kevin said he would, suprise, he hasn't its been almost 2 months and still nada! Last time I talked to him he was on vacation with his girlfriend again... Clearly this is a priority for him... Oh well Just like always I get to be the grown up and take care of business. I'm so over this, so after today when I hear Beyonce's "All the Single Ladies" I will definitely be putting my hand up!

Sister

To my Sister I love you so much, I don't know who would stay on the phone while I scream and rant for hours about everything, but you do. My favorite is when you say "well I don't even know how to react to that" It makes me laugh and brings me back to earth. I miss you and I know Tucson isn't very far away (much closer that ST. Louis) but still I wish I could just run over to your house and hang out whenever. Your my bffff! You are "Irreplaceable"(in a not so calm voice, you know what I'm taking about hehehe) I love you so much I don't think I could have picked out a better person to have as a sister! You are truly the cheese to my macaroni! I <3 you Sissy!!

Ponderings

I think a lot these days about the present, the past, and mostly the future. I wonder where will I go from here? What will I do with my life? The life I fought so hard to keep has slipped away. Again I am single not alone never alone. I have an amazing family who is so incredibly supportive and wonderful they have all stepped up to make this next step in my life easier. I appreciate them so much and am so thankful to be loved. My daughters who brighten every moment of my day with their smiles and sloppy kisses their tiny hands pressed on my face make me so glad I am their mother. Even in the midst of all this I still feel lost and alone sometimes. When I stop and think for more than a moment, and then I stop my thoughts mid track and bury them deep so I don't have to feel the ugly sting of anger and resentment toward Him. I try to remind my self that this all happened for a reason and that God has something planned for me, I know God hasn't forgotten about me but this sea of loneliness it is hard to remember sometimes. I look inside my heart tonight and finally try to embrace the hurt and the pain and all I find is forgiveness for Kevin, I am hurt beyond belief and what he did to me was not ok and as mad as I want to be I can't seem to muster up the anger or hate I thought was there. This is some miracle from God because I haven't ever been able to forgive so completely for something as huge as this. As I sit here trying to be consumed with grief for the loss of my marriage and my very way of life all I find is tears, tears of hope for a better tomorrow, tears for a brighter life for me and my girls, and tears of relief for finally being out of the marriage I had so badly wanted but never fully enjoyed.

In the aftermath of all this crying I look at my girls and thank the lord the wonderful blessings he sent to me. They see my red rimmed eyes and MyKenna just looks at me with that sad face and says "It's ok Mommy I love you" and Sadie looks at me with her two year old baby face, smiles runs up for a hug and just says "Mommy you cry? I sit you lap." And just like that my heart melts I dry my tears and push forward and thank the Lord for the strength he has given me.

You keep proving me right...

Today I finally decided Sadie was sick enough to text Kevin and let him know what was up. (He previously had asked me to not text him unless it was necessary hence my not wanting to text him) Sadie has all of these: Sinus infection, ear infection, pinkeye, a fever, and now vomiting. She is really not feeling well, don't worry we have an appointment to see the Dr. tomorrow. Anyway back to my story, I finally break down and text him, and the jerk who is probably busy with his new girlfriend won't even acknowledge the text!! I'm so mad, seriously! Honestly I didn't expect him to but still you really don't care for your daughter that much! You make me sick you selfish jerk!

Life as I know it....

I know life isn't easy and its supposed to be worth it, but what am I supposed to learn from all of this? Pain and Sadness? That is all feel these days. I left my husband because he asked me to. He said he no longer wanted to be married. Here we are sometime later and I have given up hope of trying to "fix" our marriage. Although I do wish there was by some miracle a magic wand that I could wave and everything would be happy and good.

As I lay here and ponder my life I wonder where do I go from here? I find a job, be grateful for what I do have, my beautiful children and a wonderful family who loves and cares about me. I know that's what I should do anyway, but all I can think is I'm going to miss that man. He made me so happy when I was so sad, he tried so hard to be who I wanted and I was so impossible that I drove him away. People tell me I'm better off, I know in some ways its true. He is in his own way quite perfect maybe not for me but for someone. I wish that I had been the right one for him, and he for me but that's life isn't it. You think you know what you want and sometimes when you get it, it isn't quite what you thought. At least now I know, although I wish quite deeply I hadn't had to learn this lesson.

Ponyo

Ponyo ponyo Oh how I dislike thee! I wish my daughter didn't love you so. She pretends she is Ponyo(which is really cute) and its funny. But I honestly can't stand the movie!

Random survey because I have nothing better to say.

1. What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
Almonds

2.Where was your profile picture taken?
Flagstaff

3.Can you play Guitar Hero?
yeah but I'm really horrible

4.Name someone who made you laugh today?
Iris. She always makes me laugh

5.How late did you stay up last night and why?
11:30 me and Kev were watching tv.

6.If you could move somewhere else, would you?
yes please anywhere but here!

7. Ever been kissed under fireworks?
not that i can remember

8. Which of your friends lives closest to you?
Shaun she's right up the street

9. Do you believe ex's can be friends?
Yes why not. I have a few that are great friends

10. How do you feel about mountain dew?
I love it. It comes in second to dr. pepper.

11. When was the last time you cried really hard?
Yesterday, I was super frustrated trying to get all the marker and crayon off the walls.

12. Who took your profile picture?
I did

13. Who was the last person you took a picture of?
Iris's nails... hahaha they are super cool zebra stripe

14. Was yesterday better than today?
no way.

15. Can you live a day without TV?
yeah

16. Are you upset about anything?
not really

17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
Yes for sure

18. Are you a bad influence?
Not anymore lol

19. Night out or night in?
ehhh it depends on what we are doing and who its with.

20. What items could you not go without during the day?
umm a bathroom

21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
Bradley after he had his shunt replaced this past week,

22. What does the last text message in your inbox say?
"Sorry" Kevin forgot his lunch so I have to take it to him at work.

23. How do you feel about your life right now?
Ehhhhhh could be better but it could be alot worse

24. Do you hate anyone?
nope sure don't

25. If we were to look in your face book in box, what would we find?
some super lame conversation with iris hahaha

26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass?
Yeah I would unless it detects Excedrin migraine lol

27. Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
no never haha

28. What song is stuck in your head?
go go power rangers!

29. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m., who do you want it to be?
I don't know my room is three stories up, i would hope its just a branch

30.Wanna have grand kids by the time your 50?
yeah why not i was a young mom, when I'm 50 kenna will be 30 I hope so.

31. What do you have to do tomorrow?
a whole lot of nothing.

32. Do you think too much or too little?
way to much lol

33. Do you smile a lot?
usually :)

Summer

The Arizona sun has reared its ugly head and pointed here. Can I just whine for a second? Thanks I hate summers here! They are too hot and gross and I very much wish we could just skip them! Anyway, since its here Kev and I decided to sign Kenna up for swim lessons yay! She is somewhat excited and I am so happy(even though I realize its a half hour of chasing Sadie around a pool) still I can't wait. Swimming was such a huge part of my childhood growing up here in the state of year round summer I just hope she likes it as much as I did.

On another note Sadie recovered from her surgery so fast! She did amazing and the Cardon Children's Hospital did such a great job! They had toys for her to play with while we waited and a little push car for us to walk the halls with her and it was over all a great experience for a first surgery. She took it way way easy all of that day but by the next day she was back to our crazy Sadie, she ran a bit slower and didn't quite slam into as much but she recovered super fast and by day three other than the durabond on her belly you couldn't tell she had had surgery. The surgeon did an amazing job and she has no visible scar plus a normal belly button!

Anyhow that's just a mini update on us one of these days I will sit down and actually write something worth reading maybe lol.

Sadie baby

Sadie has had an umbilical hernia since birth and usually they shrink and close up on their own well her isn't. So next step was to meet with a surgeon to see what he thought. Well we met with Dr Pham this morning and because her hernia isn't shrinking and has stayed the same size since it was discovered about two years ago he is going to close it up for her. That's right she has to have surgery. I'm slightly nervous but with the sweet reassurances from my dear sister who has been thorough much scarier surgeries with Mr. Bradley I feel more at ease with the the whole thing. Although the thought of handing off my daughter so she can be operated on paralyzes me, I know in the long run this will be whats best for my munchkin.

Feeling pretty blue

And I'll tell you why, yesterday my lady time came a week and a half early. That was weird I have been late countless times but never early so it seemed odd then the horrible cramping started and I started to wonder why I was cramping so badly. The rest is tmi so I'll skip all that to my realization that I was having a miscarriage. It made sense the way everything smelled different when I was cooking or cleaning and things that normally didn't hurt all of a sudden did. So it made for a super crappy day. After doubting that I was even going to have any more children this was a surprise round house kick to the heart. I wish I could verbalize or even put my thoughts down on paper to describe how I am feeling. this come pretty close but I'm such a terrible writer that it just comes across as feeling sorry for myself or something stupid like that. I'm not throwing a pity party and I don't really want to talk about it I just thought you all should know in case I seem down this is probably the reason why.

Hair Madness continued...

Today we did the triple twistback into buns, I did this on both M and S wanna see how it turned out?

Sadie






MyKenna





The picture are pretty bad because my camera broke so we are using my computer camera add that to wiggly kids well that makes for not so great pictures.

Hair Madness!

So for a while I have been following this blog, Mindy posts such cute hairstyle I just love. Here is a picture of my most recent that I did on MyKenna. I had to tweak it alittle because M has such thin whispy hair. So this is the waterfall braid and I twisted back and braided in the hair left out from the braid back up the side. It turned out super cute and I added a giant flower to finish it off. M was super happy to have fun hair and I loved seeing her cute hair.

Zoo Day!

Wednesday we had our Zoo field trip with preschool. We had so much fun, the kids loved the animals and the kool aid ;) We started out at the Children s Entrance and there was the "Kid Police Lady" this woman is so cranky and so rude every year. She without fail yells at our group pretty much until we go in to the actual zoo. Aside from that the day was fantastic. The weather was supposed to be in the low 90s but fortunately it was over cast but not too cold at all which means... the animals were actually out and playing!

Sadie my little fighter fought tooth and nail to stay out of the wagon we brought along, closer to the end of the day she was all over the wagon after she realized how much walking there was at the zoo. She loved seeing the animals she thought they were awesome. Her favorite were the Lions I think, she was so upset when we had to leave the to see the rest of the zoo. Sadie was absolutely terrified of the sting rays which I thought was pretty funny since they are in a pool but she wouldn't get close. But after that we rode the train and my sweet baby fell asleep in my arms so she could have just been tired.

MyKenna loved everything, all the animals especially monkey village. The squirrel moneys are awesome. She walked like a champ with Adam, she had so much fun that when I ask her what her favorite part was she just says all of it!

All in all it was a fun day. By the time we got home we were all so exhausted we slept till like 6:30 pm. It was a fun day.

Pintched this from Miss Katie

Fifty Things about me

1. Do you like blue cheese?

Sometimes like for dipping wings or crumbled in salad

2. Have you ever smoked heroin?

No

3. Do you own a gun?

No but iI do like to shoot them. pretend or real. lol

4. What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic?

Ocean Water for sure

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?

Nope its not like they are trying to hurt me.

6. What do you think of hot dogs?

I don't like em as a planned meal but I totally love em randomly

7. Favorite Christmas song?

Feliz Navidad me and Kenna jam out to this even when its not christmas

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?

Coffee

9. Can you do push ups?

A few

10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry?

My wedding ring.

11. Favorite hobby?

Crafting, making something out of nothing.

12. Do you have A.D.D.?

Sure don't

13. What's one trait that you hate about yourself?

I'm a perpetual worrier

14. If you had to give up one of your senses, what would it be?

Hmmm I think smell, I can't imagine life without the other ones

15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment.

I hate sneezing
This movie (I now pronounce you chuck and larry) is so funny
Its kinda cold now maybe i should turn off the ac

16. Name 4 drinks you regularly drink?

Coffee, water, Dr. Pepper, raspberry lemonade

17. Current worry right now?

My knee and how long it will take to get better

18. Current hate right now?

My knee immobilizer and crutches

19. Favorite season?

spring, planting flowers and nice weather I love it!

20. How did you bring in the New Years?

Stayed home and fell asleep before midnight. We were especially lame this past year.

21. Like to go?

out? yeah its fun

22. Nail polish?

Always have my toes painted either pink or red but usually none on my finger nails

23. Do you own your own slippers?

Yup black ballet slippers

24. What color shirt are you wearing?

White and Blue

25. Do you like satin sheets?

I love satin sheets!!

26. Can you whistle?

yes I can

27. Favorite color?

Teal

28. Would you be a pirate?

Heck yes!

29. What songs do you sing in the shower?

Amazing Grace

30. If you could pick your name what would it have been?

I like mine, I was named after both of my grandmothers

31. Bed sheets as a kid?
I had the coolest barbie sheet with a pop tent attached to it!

32. What's in your pocket right now?
jeggings only have pretend pockets so nothing

33. Last thing that made you laugh?

this movie

34. Worst injury you've ever had?

Well either the rolled ankle in high school or this sprained knee I have now.

35. Do you love where you live?

Yes I love my apartment and the neighborhood its in!

36. How many TV's do you have in your house?

one we are saving up for a nice one for our room

37. Who is your loudest friend?

Umm that would be Amber she my niece and she is loud and funny

38. How many pets do you have?

One but he is living at my mom's cuz i keep forgetting him, poor fishy

39. Does someone have a crush on you?

Umm Kevin but i think its love lol

40. What is your favorite book?

currently its the Huger Games books, but I also love the Twilight saga

41. What is your favorite candy?

nerds rope

42. Favorite Sports Team?

I really don't care so Kevin picked for me and its Texas Longhorns

43. What were you doing 12 AM last night?

Getting into bed

44. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?

Arrrggg I want to sleep more

45. Worst habit?

Biting my nails

46. Do you play an instrument?

not anymore

47. How long does it take you to get to work?

about 15 minutes

48. Plans for the weekend?

It just ended and we window shopped alot and I got tomato and herbs to plant!

49. If you could eat anything in the world right this second what would it be?

Snickers Ice cream bar

50. Do you like the person who sent this to you?

I love Katie!

Its been a while.

So its been like three months since I last blogged. Its been hectic.

So lets catch up, Hubs and I moved in with my parents to save up some dough. Then we moved back to the apartments we were at. This time we got a townhouse style one and its much bigger so I love that! We have been here for about three weeks and I am still unpacking the last little things.

I got Mykenna enrolled in Kindergarten for next year! EPP! My girl is so big. She is so excited about starting school she is counting down. She still loves preschool and is doing awesome there, recently we took a field trip to the farm it was so much fun. We got flavored milk and yummy ice cream. The kids got to feed the animals and had a blast.

Sadie is talking more and more each day its amazing!! She talks to everyone and her favorite thing is to talk on the phone. She is quite the handful, Sadie is very active. She is so cute she also loves going to preschool with Kenna. She will be starting preschool in August I can't wait!