Ponderings

I think a lot these days about the present, the past, and mostly the future. I wonder where will I go from here? What will I do with my life? The life I fought so hard to keep has slipped away. Again I am single not alone never alone. I have an amazing family who is so incredibly supportive and wonderful they have all stepped up to make this next step in my life easier. I appreciate them so much and am so thankful to be loved. My daughters who brighten every moment of my day with their smiles and sloppy kisses their tiny hands pressed on my face make me so glad I am their mother. Even in the midst of all this I still feel lost and alone sometimes. When I stop and think for more than a moment, and then I stop my thoughts mid track and bury them deep so I don't have to feel the ugly sting of anger and resentment toward Him. I try to remind my self that this all happened for a reason and that God has something planned for me, I know God hasn't forgotten about me but this sea of loneliness it is hard to remember sometimes. I look inside my heart tonight and finally try to embrace the hurt and the pain and all I find is forgiveness for Kevin, I am hurt beyond belief and what he did to me was not ok and as mad as I want to be I can't seem to muster up the anger or hate I thought was there. This is some miracle from God because I haven't ever been able to forgive so completely for something as huge as this. As I sit here trying to be consumed with grief for the loss of my marriage and my very way of life all I find is tears, tears of hope for a better tomorrow, tears for a brighter life for me and my girls, and tears of relief for finally being out of the marriage I had so badly wanted but never fully enjoyed.

In the aftermath of all this crying I look at my girls and thank the lord the wonderful blessings he sent to me. They see my red rimmed eyes and MyKenna just looks at me with that sad face and says "It's ok Mommy I love you" and Sadie looks at me with her two year old baby face, smiles runs up for a hug and just says "Mommy you cry? I sit you lap." And just like that my heart melts I dry my tears and push forward and thank the Lord for the strength he has given me.